I don't know if it would be easier if everyone just knew everything about me so I wouldnt have to explain things over and over. Its so repetitive and if people arent aware of the circumstances I encountered they may make preconceived notions.. but is that just a part of life. to be judged at every point in your life?
I descided to write this because I want things in perspective for me. and the likly hood of this getting views is slim so I can be more open.
Growing up I had no disipline. my father left when I was young and My mother would always be out. So that left me with my 2 older sisters. ususally when my mom was at night club she would meet a new "guy friend" this wasnt often but still we had a couple of guys that became her boyfriend and practically lived with us but they didnt last long. some had other families. some were druggies and my mom kicked them to the curb without a second glance. WHen I was a kid I was often rebellious and for some reason the leader of my group there was three of us and we would go around the apartment complex causing mishief and going on adventures. there were bullies that were around 15-18 that would pick on us so this was my first encounter with bullying.
As I got older I was a very soft hearted kid I think growing up without a dad was the main cause for this. there were 2 occasions where we were at a swim party at my aunts and my drunk and rowdy uncle was throwing all the cousins around in the pool and as I tried to swim by he picked me up and launched me into the deep. I bellyflopped and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. My sister helped me out of the pool and everything was a blur but then I felt his arm on my shoulder and these words come out of his mouth "stop being such a baby" to that I turned and shouted "Get the F*ck away from me" and my sisters rushed me into the house needless to say some were on the fence when it came to me being justified in using foul language but people got over it.. but I didnt.. I made it my mission to stay away from said uncle and it worked usually until big family gatherings where a couple other experiences involving the pool occurred. and all of them ended with me in tears and anger in my heart.
we come to my teen years where i was a chubbie kid in middle school. In elementary I had tons of friends and middle school wasnt different but for some reason I was the target for some bullies. I would be picked on but would try and laugh it off and stay in the backround as much as possible. around 8th grade is when my attendance began to drop. I would not want to get up in the mornings and my mom couldnt really do anything since she had to be at work an hour before I was supposed to get up for school. She was stressed because the school was calling and she could see that I was beggining to slip. The worst thing is that I wouldnt even ditch to go hang out with friends. I would be lazy and just sleep till 9. watch my favorite shows till 12 and be bored the rest of the day. This is when the depression started setting in. Since I was missing so much school my friends had moved on and when I went back I was practcally a loner. I had one of my best friends melvin but he moved after a summer so I was alone and that caused me to not want to go to school even more.
I got through middle school and made some friends for my freshman year. but when they werent around I didnt have other groups to hang out with and I didnt make friends in my classes so I was alone and didnt look forward to school. and again found myself ditching. there was an incident in my P.E. class where some combodian gang was in the lockers and I was standing minding my own buisness and a tall one came up to me and started picking on me. It didnt bother me but when my mom gave me an ultimatum about school I put on this big act saying that the bullying was why I didnt want to go. This got me a meeting with the counseler and a recommendation for home schooling. this let me stay home all day and do whatever I wanted. sounded great .. exept noone was home during the day so i found myself just watching tv all day. and looking forward to when everyone got out of school. about this time I had lost more friends because they were turning to weed and other stuff and I participated once but it was so much of a pain for them to beg me they quickly wrote me off. by this time I was seeing a psychologist because I was depressed from being alone all the time
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